“How do I know if I’m in the right relationship or not?”
This is one of the most common questions our coaching clients ask
us. And after Angel and I listen to the specifics of their situation,
we often toss a question back at them to further clarify their thoughts
and expectations. For instance:
“What do you think a “right relationship” should provide for the people in it?”
Although the answer here is obviously subjective, in all
relationships, romantic and platonic alike, there are some clear signs
that things are going well. So today, let’s take a look at some signs
you’re in the “right relationship,” and corresponding tips that could
potentially help you make a “wrong relationship” right:
1. No games are being played.
Far too often, we make our relationships harder than they have to
be. The difficulties started when… conversations became texting,
feelings became subliminal, sex became a game, the word “love” fell out
of context, trust faded as honesty waned, insecurities became a way of
living, jealously became a habit, being hurt started to feel natural,
and running away from it all became our solution. Stop running! Face
these issues, fix the problems, communicate, appreciate, forgive and
LOVE the people in your life who deserve it.
And of course, if you feel like someone is playing games with you, speak up.
2. Everyone is on the same page.
If a woman starts out all casual with a man and she doesn’t tell him
that she wants a committed relationship, it will likely never become a
committed relationship. If you give someone the impression that casual,
or whatever, is okay with you, that’s what will be assumed going
forward. The bottom line is that you have to
be straight from the start, or at least as soon as you know what you
want. Don’t beat around the bush. If someone gets scared and runs away
because you were honest and set boundaries, that person wasn’t right
for you anyway.
3. The line of communication is open, honest, and clear.
You can’t be afraid to have certain conversations. It’s better to
talk and find out the truth, than to keep going and get nowhere. Say
what you mean and mean what you say. Don’t expect the important people
in your life to read your mind, and don’t play foolish games with their
heads and hearts. Don’t tell half-truths and expect them to trust you
when the full truth comes out – half-truths are no better than lies.
Listen without defending and speak without offending. Communication
isn’t just an important part of a relationship, it is the relationship.
Relationships often fail because of trust issues, commitment issues,
and above all, communication issues. So be honest, commit, and
COMMUNICATE always. (Angel and I discuss this in detail in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
4. Loving deeds consistently reinforce loving words.
Nurture your important relationships so that when you tell the people
you love that you love them, it’s merely a ritualistic validation of
what you have already shown them by how you treat them on a daily
basis. Do little things every day to show your loved ones you care.
Knowing that the person you’re thinking of has you on their mind too
means a lot.
Truth be told, you can say “sorry” a thousand times, or say “I love
you” as much as you want, but if you’re not going to prove that the
things you say are true, they aren’t. If you can’t show it, your words
are not sincere. It’s as simple as that. And there’s no such thing as a
“right” relationship that isn’t sincere at both ends.
5. Expectations of perfection are strictly forbidden.
Any relationship that’s real will not be perfect, but if you’re
willing to work at it and open up, it could be everything you’ve ever
dreamed of.
Your best friends and your soul mate may be far from perfect, but
they are a perfect fit for you. Give them a chance to show you. When you stop expecting
the people you love to be a certain way, you can start to enjoy and
appreciate them for who they are. What you need to remember is that
every relationship has its problems, but what makes it perfect in the
end is when you wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, even when times are
tough.
6. Honesty, vulnerability, and presence are held sacred.
Although it may sound risky, the strongest type of love is the love
that makes you the most vulnerable. It’s about daring to reveal
yourself honestly, and daring to be open and fully disclosed over the
long-term. It’s about sticking by each other’s side through thick and
thin, and truly being there in the flesh and spirit when you’re needed
most.
So open yourself up. BE with the person you love. Allow yourself to
experience them authentically. Tear down any emotional brick walls you
have built around yourself and feel every exquisite emotion, both good
and bad. This is real life. This is how you welcome a sincere
connection with another human being.
7. There is a healthy blend of freedom and teamwork.
Keep in mind that we can’t force anyone to be with us or love us. We
shouldn’t beg someone to stay when they want to leave. And likewise,
we should never feel trapped in a relationship. In fact, if either
person feels trapped, the relationship doesn’t really exist. Because
that’s what relationships are all about: freedom.
Relationships are also built on a solid foundation of teamwork. And
since relationships are one of the greatest vehicles of personal growth
and happiness, the most important trip you will ever take in life is
meeting someone else halfway. You will achieve far more by working with
them, rather than working alone or against them. It really is a full
circle. The strength of a relationship depends on the strength of its
two members, and the strength of each member in the long run depends on the quality of the relationship.
And remember, relationships are rarely 50/50 at any given instant in
time. You can’t always feel 100%, or a full 50% of a relationship’s
whole – life is simply too unpredictable for that. So on the days when
you can only give 20%, the other person must give 80%, and vice versa.
It’s never been about balancing steady in the middle; healthy
relationships are about two people who are willing to make adjustments
for each other in real time as needed, and give more when the other
person can’t help but give a little less.
8. Personal growth is embraced, celebrated, and shared.
It’s not about finding someone to lose yourself in, it’s about
meeting someone to find yourself in. When you connect with someone
special, a best friend or a lifelong partner, this person helps you find
the best in yourself. In this way, neither of you actually meet the
best in each other; you both grow into your best selves by spending time
together and nurturing each other’s growth.
When you honestly think about what you and your closest confidants
add to each other’s lives, you will often find that instead of giving or
taking things from each other (advice, answers, material gifts, etc.),
you have chosen rather to share in each other’s joy and pain, and
experience life together through good times and bad. No matter what,
you two are there for one another, growing and learning as one.
9. Outsiders aren’t calling the shots.
Relationships don’t always make sense, especially from the outside.
So don’t let outsiders run your relationships for you. If you’re having
a relationship issue with someone, work it out with THEM and no one
else.
You have to live your own life your own way; that’s all there is to
it. Each of us has a unique fire in our heart for certain people. It’s
your duty, and yours alone, to decide if a relationship is right for
you. You’ve got to stop caring so much about what everyone else wants
for you, and start actually living and deciding for yourself.
